Funeral Zombies?

funeral zombie v1

It’s almost Halloween when all get dressed up to scare someone with their ghoulish garb and deathly appearance.  However I have begun to notice that either some in the funeral profession think Halloween is year round or they are confused thinking they are leaving an Emit concert.  Often pale looking vampire-like with black or strangely colored hair (I can’t say much, I put white in mine to look “mature”), dark clothing with a touch of skull or other “death flair” and some even have all sorts of metal protruding from the visible parts of their body (I shudder to think what we can’t see).  Of course they most likely sport visible tattoos, but I’m not “hating” because I’m tatted myself, just not seen until I show my glorious physique in public at the beach.

Sometimes you’ll catch a glimpse of them at funeral related events, however they often lurch in the corners and shadows alone.  Most of the time you can have sightings of them slinking in the back doors of funeral homes yet upon entry rarely appear outside of the embalming room of the facility.  What are these strange and mysterious phenoms?  FUNERAL ZOMBIES (FZ)!  You know, they are part of the death groupie bunch that spends too much time with fascination in the macabre and all things death.  Artwork, jewelry, skulls, bones, caskets, graveyards, ravens and bats causes an FZ to hypnotically gravitate like a bug to a neon bug zapper on a front porch in Louisiana.

The Funeral Zombies actually create a dilemma for the funeral industry because they often portray the very persona that funeral directors don’t want to be tagged by the public…weird.  Another issue is that Funeral Zombies are enrolling in mortuary schools (gasp) to become licensed caretakers of the dead; the dream job for a FZ.  Of course, when a FZ graduates and initiates their quest to start their career, they become confused and disillusioned by the continued rejection for employment in the funeral industry.  Why?  Well, which one below do you want to make arrangements for your mother or to be your funeral product salesperson:

                                                          FD 1   or   junior

Just so I don’t get accused of being misogynistic and not providing equal time, which lady would you prefer for your mom’s arrangements or knocking on the door selling funeral stationery:

                                                        fd 6 or fd 5

Just like any other faddish and misguided group the trend is actually losing steam.  For example, the Zombie Walk in Toronto actually conducted a “funeral” for lack of funding as reported in the The Star recently.   So what happens to the Funeral Zombies when the fad wanes and in a few years, this is what they look like:

fd 7

I am going to take a wild guess, but I don’t think this one will be working the register stand at visitations.  However, I think that being a curator at the Museum of Death, a hawker at Ripley’s Odditorium in Myrtle Beach, play a role in Friday 13th Nightmare at the Mortuary, or end up entrenched/sentenced in the embalming room for life (and whatever they think comes after that) is pretty much reaching a pinnacle for a Funeral Zombie.  In any event, to all the Funeral Zombies on your special day, my heartfelt Happy Halloween to you and…BOO!  From the Command Post and through a thick cloud of Maduro cigar smoke, Cheers Y’all!  #thefuneralcommander

3 comments
  1. Aufbrezeln said:

    Forget the parrot-hued dos, this is why I and my dog see the exact same thing when we look at my closet. Blacks and greys and very muted colors. Small jewelry that doesn’t sparkle or flash or clank about. It’s why I put these weird caps on my heels so they don’t do that clickety-clackety thing on tile or hardwood. Because It’s. Not. About. Me.

    What these kids don’t grok is that our whole freaking job is to put the attention on the deceased, and to a lesser extent the mourners. If we do our jobs right, the average funeral-goer will pay no more attention to us than they do to the register stand. Like a good waiter, you don’t even realize we’re there until you need something and what do you know, there I am, with that thing you need.

    I dyed my hair rainbow colors for over fifteen years, and for two of those years I worked in a funeral home and networked with other funeral directors and not one of them would have mistaken me for a Funeral Zombie, because I am intelligent and charming and I work my ass off . . . and also I wore a very tasteful wig, DUH.

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  2. Jeff Harbeson said:

    You my friend are the epitome of what is so direly needed in this industry…intelligence and the ability to be yourself, yet “go with the flow.” I admire you and trust that you are doing well! Jeff

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  3. As you know, I responded to this post before it really was a post (how can that be?) and am now catching up, (will listen to FN #3 & #4 this evening as I answwr the door for little goblins begging for candy). I interviewed a few FZs over the years. They would have had a chance if they had only been smoking a cigar when the showed up. I think pasty- skinned people have a genetic disposition to being FZs.

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