Archive

Tag Archives: Humor

funeral zombie v1

It’s almost Halloween when all get dressed up to scare someone with their ghoulish garb and deathly appearance.  However I have begun to notice that either some in the funeral profession think Halloween is year round or they are confused thinking they are leaving an Emit concert.  Often pale looking vampire-like with black or strangely colored hair (I can’t say much, I put white in mine to look “mature”), dark clothing with a touch of skull or other “death flair” and some even have all sorts of metal protruding from the visible parts of their body (I shudder to think what we can’t see).  Of course they most likely sport visible tattoos, but I’m not “hating” because I’m tatted myself, just not seen until I show my glorious physique in public at the beach.

Sometimes you’ll catch a glimpse of them at funeral related events, however they often lurch in the corners and shadows alone.  Most of the time you can have sightings of them slinking in the back doors of funeral homes yet upon entry rarely appear outside of the embalming room of the facility.  What are these strange and mysterious phenoms?  FUNERAL ZOMBIES (FZ)!  You know, they are part of the death groupie bunch that spends too much time with fascination in the macabre and all things death.  Artwork, jewelry, skulls, bones, caskets, graveyards, ravens and bats causes an FZ to hypnotically gravitate like a bug to a neon bug zapper on a front porch in Louisiana.

The Funeral Zombies actually create a dilemma for the funeral industry because they often portray the very persona that funeral directors don’t want to be tagged by the public…weird.  Another issue is that Funeral Zombies are enrolling in mortuary schools (gasp) to become licensed caretakers of the dead; the dream job for a FZ.  Of course, when a FZ graduates and initiates their quest to start their career, they become confused and disillusioned by the continued rejection for employment in the funeral industry.  Why?  Well, which one below do you want to make arrangements for your mother or to be your funeral product salesperson:

                                                          FD 1   or   junior

Just so I don’t get accused of being misogynistic and not providing equal time, which lady would you prefer for your mom’s arrangements or knocking on the door selling funeral stationery:

                                                        fd 6 or fd 5

Just like any other faddish and misguided group the trend is actually losing steam.  For example, the Zombie Walk in Toronto actually conducted a “funeral” for lack of funding as reported in the The Star recently.   So what happens to the Funeral Zombies when the fad wanes and in a few years, this is what they look like:

fd 7

I am going to take a wild guess, but I don’t think this one will be working the register stand at visitations.  However, I think that being a curator at the Museum of Death, a hawker at Ripley’s Odditorium in Myrtle Beach, play a role in Friday 13th Nightmare at the Mortuary, or end up entrenched/sentenced in the embalming room for life (and whatever they think comes after that) is pretty much reaching a pinnacle for a Funeral Zombie.  In any event, to all the Funeral Zombies on your special day, my heartfelt Happy Halloween to you and…BOO!  From the Command Post and through a thick cloud of Maduro cigar smoke, Cheers Y’all!  #thefuneralcommander

casket salesMy post earlier this week Let’s Make a Casket Deal has brought many responses.  If the funeral home operational model is in dire need of change to adapt to the shifting consumer market, shouldn’t the casket companies do the same?  The most resounding in box and emails from funeral directors I have received this week is that their casket salespeople are scarce until a promotion or “big sale” is being perpetuated (especially this time of year). A few nights ago, I had dinner with funeral home owners and directors.  They too had the same observation that casket company reps seem to show up now basically “hawking” (not my words, but from a funeral home owner) caskets or whatever their quota says the immediate need dictates your attention.

There was a time that casket company salespeople actually provided training and useful information other than “let’s make a deal.”  Again, the funeral world is changing, but are casket companies adapting?  Do you really need to look at a lithograph to buy a product, or can you go online and see for yourself? Merchandising?  Does a funeral home owner really need advice to know that the profit of a casket is whatever you decide the retail cost minus the wholesale cost? Does the phrase “buy low, sell high” ring a bell?  One of my favorites casket company quotes “YOUR WHOLESALE AVERAGE.”  All I care about is my net profit per sale!  If you don’t know that you can make the same net profit from a 20 gauge as a high dollar 18 gauge, send me an email and I’ll help you out. There is no direct correlation between your “wholesale average” and your net profit per sale…it’s the casket company’s way of saying “your wholesale average is helping our net profits.”

Just for fun, let’s take a quick economics and history lesson.  The cost of a particular white 18 gauge casket in 2004 was just under $1000 and in 2014 it is around $1950 (who knows what it will be in October).  I’m not really good with math, but that’s quite a stark increase in cost. Back then if the margin was $1.500 on this casket the consumer would pay around $2,500.  So, if the same margin was added to this product today the consumer must pay around $3500.  If today you purchase a white 20 gauge casket (or shop around for a similar product) for $700 and the margin is $1,500, the consumer pays around $2,200.  It’s not what you sell, but what you keep.  I have always wanted to conduct a consumer study by having white caskets, same color interior and different gauge/materials/interior material all lined up with corresponding retail prices.  What would the consumer buy?

Now you would possibly hear from some (most likely a casket company) that “we have conducted that test, and they chose the model with all the bells and whistles because of the perceived value.”  BUT; what if this was an actual at need purchase made with real dollars and has to be added to all the other funeral home, cemetery and cash advance costs?  Think about it.  Which of the before mentioned white caskets are you, the funeral director “better off” selling?  Either one.  IT’s the families financial and personal choice and they are happy and your net profit per sale is the same.  Help me understand where “your wholesale average” makes a lick of difference here?

Times are changing and so is the entire funeral industry operating model; from serving the shifting consumer, the funeral home, to the vendors of products and how they sell to us.  It’s time to take an objective and new look at how to purchase, price and position our goods we provide the families’ we serve.  So that “knock at the door from your new best friend to let’s make a deal” requires more scrutiny. Remember, it’s that time of year.  Cheers y’all! #thefuneralcommander

53 years53 years.  No more battles to fight, no countries to defend, no oppressed people to free. I remember years ago reading about what happens to men when we get older.  We go from being dangerous warriors seeking battles to fight, running with the ball or tackling the ones that carry it.  It’s happened…now I watch young warriors returning from foreign lands and men playing football on my big screen television.

I am 53 years old today and reflective.  I looked at my uniform now hanging in the closet under plastic (yes it still fits), but it’s not for me to wear anymore.  Frankly, the medals don’t mean anything to anyone else but me now; they are only history.  My greatest successes are not pinned on that uniform, rather they are experiences only I realize…

3.3Like being married to the love of my life for 30 years; many would say that she is one that deserves all the medals.  I am the father of two sons; both very much like me but so different in many ways…actually better than me. At their early age they have already demonstrated more than I about love, pursuit of happiness and individualism.

Over my adult years I have worn many uniforms, performed different jobs and taken on some pretty lofty projects.  I developed a personal mantra of “a vision is only a dream without execution.”  I have dreamed, had visions and executed…I have also failed.

It’s odd coming to the realization that you’re closer to the end than the beginning. I’m not going to put on that uniform for service ever again and I’m not going to tackle the guy carrying the ball.  But let me tell you what I am going to do:

I’m going to keep loving the woman that gave me her life and life to my sons.  I’m going to be the dad that challenges my sons to reach their potential; but they never have to look behind them because I have their back.  I’m going to execute my visions in the funeral industry and challenge those around me to elevate themselves beyond the norm.  I’m still going to be brought to tears when I hear Toby Keith’s “American Soldier.”   I’m still going to say to new people that I work with “I’m not going to say anything to offend you on purpose; when I want to offend you, you’ll be certain that I wanted to.”    I’m still going to love a good debate. I’m going to keep writing what comes to my mind, expressing my opinion and challenge others to take a stand.

Bugaloe blissI’m going to take care of myself which includes playing golf, smoking cigars and drinking dark rum straight on the rocks with a lime. I’m going to live 50 weeks a year so that I can live for 2 weeks in Aruba…like life should be lived.  53 is a new number for me; the number of consecutive push-ups I require of myself in the mornings just because I can.  I’m not going away easily.  I think I’ll just keep being me.  Cheers y’all! #thefuneralcommander

 

drinkingAs this short week comes towards an end, I feel as if I have been drinking water from a fire hydrant.  Imagine positioning yourself right in front of the opening and trying to take in gulps of rushing water.  Eyes being blasted, nose full and coupious amounts of water rushing down your throat.  Yes, what I just described is the life of an entrepreneur.

Three websites under construction, fulfillment processes being mapped, product review, pricing structure analysis, copy for the websites written, correspondence with customers, phone calls with customers, phone calls with team mates, emails, budgets, write CEU, get booth space for convention, work on accounting procedures, book hotel for next weeks travel, review month end numbers from the funeral homes, work on capital campaign pitch deck, Go to Meetings for presentations (thank God for that program), personal education reading different periodicals, write tweets, respond to tweets, set up e commerce accounts, write 2 blogs, post blogs on social media, respond to readers, and so on.  What am I thinking?  There is no such thing as a short week.  I’m in the office this morning at 4:30am and I know I will return to this desk Saturday and Sunday at some point.

And of course there is life that goes on somewhere in there.  The bottom line is I love it…I’d rather work 80 hours for myself than 40 hours for someone else.  After all, water is good for you.  Cheers y’all! #thefuenralcommander

modernDuring a recent funeral pricing debate on Face Book, a funeral director actually made the statement “we give better service.”  I have personally been part of conversations with both funeral directors and funeral home owners about this very statement.  Fasten your seat belts, let’s take this topic for a spin.

When I hear “we give better service” my first thought and response to the statement is “what does your firm do that that other firm does not?” Usually there is quite a pause of conversation because the person making the statement actually has to think about what they said and provide some factual basis for their position.  I have heard  with my own ears; “We have new carpet in our chapel…our chapel is bigger…our fleet is newer…the water bottles we give out at graveside has our name on it…we have a bigger parking lot…they wear different suits/ties…we care more…and we have more staff on a service.”  My ALL TIME FAVORITE is “they don’t even have an organ”…how in the world did the State Board issue that firm a license?

My responses to such ridiculous blithering is “what type and year was their carpet installed, what are the dimensions of their chapel versus yours, what year models are their cars, does your name on the water bottle make the water taste better, how many cars will their parking lot hold, what color suits/ties do they wear, the other firm cares less…how many staff dictates a better service and of course how in the world do they provide music there without an organ?”  While the other person is pondering what I asked, I throw the grenades; “how many services have you attended at your competitor and if they have such inferior service, why is their market share increasing?”  Sort of a glazed look comes over their eyes, but no answer.

Does “we give better service” mean that a huge chapel like St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City gives better service than a country church like my family church, Indian Field Methodist in St. George, SC?  By the way, St. Patrick’s parking is terrible and many Indian Field’s attendees park on grass. Can an attendee of services find God in both places?

How about an analogy in the restaurant business?  Does the famous Chic-fil-A “my pleasure” culture with $5.00 chicken sandwiches/fresh flowers on their tables pale in comparison to Morton’s of Chicago’s fine dining, linen and expansive menu?  Is the customer at Chic-fil-A any less full or served than the the Morton’s customer?  Crickets.  Basically just mindless chatter with absolutely no basis.  I know what some of you are thinking, “you get what you pay for.”  That’s my next post topic…stay tuned.

poster 1I have attended services at all sorts of funeral homes across the country…I have seen mistakes made at both.  Family cars all lined up in disarray to actually leaving an old woman in a limousine after services were over back at the funeral home (this was at a huge several location funeral home always “crowing” serving since Sherman burnt down the South).  Just because a visitation at a funeral home has an old man opening the front door for you…pointing to an old lady across the foyer…and she points/directs you to another old lady down the hall…which she points you to another old lady standing at the register stand, and after you sign the book she then points you to the old lady in the casket…does not necessarily transcend into “better service.”  Perhaps this funeral home would get high marks for an “evening senior day care center.”  I have been to funeral homes with small staff and no one greeting at the door…but the visitation was lively…people laughing, hugging and conversing (even to the like of “Enter Sandman” playing over the music system).  How would that song sound on an organ?

The point  I’d like to get at here is “we give better service” is quite a far fetched and inane discussion point especially when the person making the statement has never attended the “other funeral home.”  However making assumptions is always easy, but we all know what happens when we assume…Like I have been told all my life and have actually said to my kids; “don’t worry what so-in-so is doing, do it the best you can and move on.” Cheers y’all.

 

 

juniorA humorous thought came to me recently after visiting a funeral home, is it really a good idea to turn over your funeral home to the kids?  I was introduced to the “next generation” as Dad described “my retirement plan and opportunity to stay at the beach house all summer.”  “Next Gen” was sitting on a foyer couch playing on his IPhone and so intensely enthralled with a video game of some sort that I received a kinda “what’s up” head nod which I suppose should have impressed me; at least he acknowledged the introduction by his Father.  Obviously Dad has grand visions of passing on the family torch to “gameboy”…for some reason I was thinking that his name was Gordon, like the kid in the Sprint commercial saying “it’s pronounced Gor Don.”

I thought to myself “Dad, you better have a big pile of cash squirreled away somewhere for retirement and I wouldn’t be packing the car for the beach anytime soon.” For a brief moment I saw some potential there…”Next Gen” knows how to work a phone!  But then reality hit me that the likelihood of him actually conversing with someone was probably a stretch.  I wasn’t sure of my other thoughts of “Bless His Heart” was for Dad or “next gen”…maybe both.  Somewhere in my mind I could hear the conversation between Dad and Mom…with Mom saying “well, YOU were given a chance; YOU turned out alright; HE’s not YOU; YOU just have to learn to accept HIM for who HE is, HE’s a good boy and YOU are too hard on him like the time YOU made HIM play sports, blah, blah, blah.”

I’m certain that grandfathers and dads for generations have thought that when looking in the eyes of their “legacy”…the end of the business is near. One of my all time favorite movie scenes is from Smokey and The Bandit which is posted below…which depicts as we all know, sometimes “legacy” comes with issues. I’d like to solicit readers to share some “legacy fails” of funeral home ownership…please do not mention the name of the funeral home, the town or the people involved…just the stories.   Cheers Y’all!

 

where are you going Over the Easter weekend I had the pleasure of relaxing and reading a periodical with a feature about a map collector.  I  was intrigued learning how important maps are to our society and the stories gleaned from what is now considered  art.  My thoughts gravitated to my experiences with maps and how the use of maps have changed in our society.

As a young Officer Candidate earning my commission, I had to learn map reading and land navigation.  In addition to  the classroom portion being educated about saddles, ridges and the like; we were required to put our knowledge to  practicum in the field.  Both day and night land navigation using a compass in conjunction with a topographical map to find designated points for a go/no go.   A no go meant retraining and retesting of the course…a second failure was immediate removal from Officers Candidate School. To tell you how times have changed; my son graduated from Army Infantry training now too long ago…map reading?  Nah; GPS. My thoughts here are that if a leader cant read a map and know where they are going, how can they possibly lead others?  Have you ever worked for someone that never took “map reading” much less actually tried to traverse successfully through the “forest?”

I remember taking family trips and looking at the map for the route to our destination.  Interesting, my dad would let me “navigate” although we were traveling up or down I-95 and getting lost was not much of a possibility.  However, I have a distinct memory of tracking the exits and trying to know exactly where we were and estimating the that we would arrive at our destination.  Today?  GPS is on the car, the mobile phone and tablet all telling the techy inhabitants of my car all they need to know about our location…but. I’m the Dad….we’re still not stopping.

We have become a society in some cases blindly reliant on technology and tossing aside what history has taught us in the past.  Basically; do a little homework.and take a look for yourself, on any subject.  The longer I live the more intrigued I am to witness so many traveling to nowhere, all so busy, and just accepting the direction from the digital source as gospel.  Does the GPS in our phones and such have a reverse?  I mean…it tells us where to go…but not where we came from.  Sometimes that’s pretty important information.

From my experience I believe that reading the map prior to taking a journey and using GPS is a good idea.  Don’t think so?  For a laugh take a look at the video below. Cheers y’all!

 

%d bloggers like this: